My ptsd from past abuse is so bad. It’s been going on for a month and I can’t shake it. I had something trigger it and it just absolutely won’t go away and I’m scared and feel unsafe every single day and I cry every single day. I’m working so hard with my therapist and taking my meds and I just can’t shake it. I’m holding out that every new day will be the day it starts to get better, and if you’re going through something similar, know that we’ll beat this together <3 You’re not alone. We are imperfect creatures. It will get better.
Started noticing this in the past several years. I start getting anxious whenever I do something wrong or “slip up”. Years ago, I remember breaking down once in a club because my song didn’t start. I honestly thought everyone was going to start yelling at me. It feels awful because I know where it exactly comes from, and I want it out of my life, but that feeling of depression of wanting everything to be perfect won’t go away.
I spoke to a friend about it recently, and I realized that much of my personal anxiety started in my early 20s. I also discovered recently that I have a learning disability through the school’s program. I was fine with the finding, but I also remember the years of being called retard or getting yelled at for not getting things correct, which added to my ptsd.
There was a small part of my life when I was not involved LGBT community. It was either some of them pushing me out or just bullying me. While doing drag has brought me back into the community, I still feel a distrust towards people, which came from that short time in my life. Being in my mid/late 20s, I feel that the next years in my life will involve me unraveling my self-dislike and unconscious distrust towards others.
I’m just typing this out because I feel depressed today :( . Reading this helped.
